Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Time Travel. Human Flight. Gourmet Ketchup.

Some things were believed to be unachievable. Gourmet ketchup may now be crossed off the list with the introduction of Sir Kensington's Gourmet Scooping Ketchup, a fancy (but not-too-fancy) compote of vine ripened pear tomato puree, agave nectar, apple cider vinegar, coriander, allspice, onions, mustard, and other (shhh!) secret ingredients.

The ketchup comes in two varieties, the Spiced Flavor, infused with chipotle peppers, cilantro and lime juice, "spicy enough to entertain without overpowering."
And the Classic, the "magnum opus of sauce - a classic reborn."
You may ask, "Who is Sir Kensington, and what hath he wrought? What alchemy and wizardry enabled its existence?" The answer of course, lies in the story of Sir Kensington himself.

Well, we'll reproduce directly from the source, because some history just shouldn't be rewritten.

Birthed to a landed merchant family in Great Britain, Sir Kensington attended Oxford University for his undergraduate study. He graduated the top student of England, with degrees in Industrialism, Philanthropy, and Culinary Arts. After a brief appointment in Constantinople advising Her Majesty on global trade and commerce, Sir Kensington returned to Cambridge University to pursue graduate degrees in Exotic Financial Derivatives.

Progressing into knighthood, Sir Kensington ascended to the highest echelons of European society, inviting international luminaries to weekly symposiums hosted at his country home in Buckinghamshire. Given his culinary academic history, he realized the secret to fruitful conversation would be the gastronomic fuel on which it ran. Sir Kensington recruited a bevy of culinary masters, seeking to stimulate the mind, body, and palate of his guests. He secured the finest foie gras, the freshest watercress, and the rarest caviar to match the caliber of his distinguished guests.

It was during one such symposium that Catherine the Great of Russia requested ketchup to complement the fine Kobe beef brought by the Emperor of Japan. After having his servants search the world over, Sir Kensington found that no such product existed, so he became determined to create his own ketchup worthy of connoisseurship by his distinguished guests.

Sir Kensington spent months locked away in his personal kitchen laboratory, laboring tirelessly on his ideal and elusive ketchup, and speaking only to his most trusted personal manservant, Dr. Manningham. During this time, Sir Kensington is rumored to have invented the food processor, the waffle iron, agave nectar, and the wire whisk as stepping stones necessary for his final and most triumphant concoction. Finally, he emerged from his study with a formula for a gourmet ketchup the likes of which the world had never seen. In beckoning his manservant to sample the sauce, Sir Kensington exclaimed the immortal words, “Oh, Manningham!” The result was a product of such refinement and distinction that it deserved to be scooped, not poured, spooned, and not squeezed. It was a product of such deliciousness and class that he bestowed it with the honor of his own namesake: Sir Kensington’s Gourmet Scooping Ketchup.

And what more can we tell you about his background?

Well, those seem like qualifications enough to taste the man's ketchup.

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